One and not done yet!!

*I originally had no title for this post because I was torn about how the race went but I'm at peace with it now and I disliked the ???? title.

I'm not sure how to title this post because I'm not sure how I feel about the marathon at this point. On one hand I'm proud of myself for completing it and on the other I'm disappointed because I know I could do better. Here's the back story, the week of the marathon I was a nervous wreck (see previous puking post) but by the middle/end of the week I felt like I had gotten most of my nerves under control. But I wake up Friday morning and I'm queasy, weak feeling, and not the least bit hungry-very unusual! I decide that I need to at least try to get something down at lunch but a few hours later it all comes right back up (TMI, I know). Needless to say I don't eat much the rest of the day for fear of losing more fluids but I think the damage was done. I'm not much of a scale girl but when I got on the scale marathon morning I weighed 6 lbs. less than I had earlier in the week, a week I might add of constant carb loading.
After a night of little sleep, marathon morning comes and I'm feeling better but certainly not 100%. R. comes and picks me up and thankfully it's not raining. It was predicted to rain, thunderstorm, and have high winds throughout the race although it was humid and windy at times it still wasn't as bad as expected.

At the starting line I was nervous but excited and ready to get going. R.'s husband was there to give us last minute advice and to distract us which was great. We got started and I think I honestly knew that this may not be my race from the get-go. R. and I had agreed to treat this like our regular training runs which usually involve celebrity gossip, kid stories, or anything we can think of to talk about to make the time go faster. But from the start I didn't do a lot of talking (again very unusual) and it's not because we're going so fast, although we were keeping up pretty well with our pace group. I just felt a little more winded than usual after I talked so I just stopped for the most part.

It was great to see our families at mile 7 and I was already getting emotional just seeing their faces. The next couple of miles were fairly uneventful except for the tree falling on Riverside Dr., for someone that's a big believer in signs this was just the start of some not so good ones. We were finally joined by Em and N. after a nasty little climb so by the time we got to them I was completely mute and feeling horribly guilty for not talking more with Rachel but I realized by this point I was going to need every bit of energy I had to make it through the rest of this race. I also realized that I needed to eat and drink as much as I could stand because I was already feeling dehydrated.

I'm going to stop now and say that I'm sorry this is the most depressing post ever. I think I'm just trying to process it all, so again I apologize.

Now back to my depressing story, we saw our families again at mile 13 but I could barely look over for fear that I would stop right there. Now let me reiterate this is mile 13, this a short run (in my mind now) during our training. There is no way that at mile 13 I should be feeling this bad, given the pace we were going. So mentally I'm feeling pretty crappy at this point to because this should be an easy run for me now and it normally is...arrggh. Sign 2 and 3 this was a bad run, a wrecked car in the middle of the race course, having to stop to let a fire truck back in the station, really!!! I think it was around this time that I asked my friend N. if she didn't mind walking with me for a minute. If you read my earlier post, this was my back-up plan that I never wanted to use but I had nothing left in the tank. I thought that if I took a break, gathered some energy, and caught my breath I would be able to run the rest of the way. Well, that's not exactly what happened. Here's the thing, when you feel that bad and you walk, all you want to do then is walk. When you start running again your body and mind just scream at you to walk, that it felt so much better. It took every ounce of energy I had to run again then I would stop and the cycle would start again. It was brutal because at that point I was already disappointed and in pain. My chest just ached and I never really felt like I could get a deep breath in and with my history it's just a scary feeling. My friends at this point were a God send and I'm honest when I say I couldn't have done it without them. R. got me through the first half, Em. and N. got me through the emotional stage when I wasn't sure I could go on. So thank you, thank you thank you!!!

Sign 4, 5, and 6, angry people yelling because police won't let them run over the racers, funeral procession, protest group holding huge pictures of fetuses.

I pretty much walk/ran until I got to the mile 19 where my family was waiting and Z. was going to run the last 7.2 miles was picking me up. I was very emotional by then and so so happy to see my husband. It was our 5th anniversary and I knew if anybody could get me through these last 7 miles it would be him. It's really funny though because R. and I had talked earlier in the day that the race was like giving birth and it was going to be a lot of pain but it would be worth it in the end. Well nothing demonstrated this more than a couple miles into my leg with Z., he decides to "coach" me through the pain by telling me that I should put my hands on top of my head to get more air in, then nags me to keep doing this although when I do I feel like I'm going to fall over, so I retort with "you put your hands over your head and when did you become a doctor?" and of course I started laughing because it really did sound like labor then.

Z. kept me going though, he was encouraging, supportive, and understanding which was exactly wanted I needed at that time. Not only did I feel like I let myself down but I felt like I had let everyone that had supported me down too but Z. trudging along beside me showed me that he didn't care how fast I did it or how I did it for that matter he just wanted me to finish and even if I hadn't I know that he would have been proud of me either way.

Earlier in the day I had said that I just wanted to beat Katie Holmes's time in the NYC marathon (this was my friend T's goal in her marathon so I stole it) little did I know how close I would come. We hit mile 25 at 5:15 and some change and I knew I had less than 14 minutes to run 1.2 miles, which on any other day would have been a cake walk, but I said what the hell I'd rather go out running so we ran and sure enough I came in at 5:26:03, 3 minutes faster than Katie!!! My overall pace was 12:34 and I ran the first half in 2:22 (gun time) which would have put us right on target with our pace group. At the end my parents, Em & N., and J. Bird were there and it was awesome to see them.

I know this seems like a downer post but as I've been writing I realize that the run was itself was bad(painful) but the experience was great. Not just on Saturday but training with my friends, all encouraging words from my friends and family, the sense of accomplishment that I hadn't felt until right now. I did it and would I do it again??? Probably because I still have something to prove to myself but not anytime soon!

Go with Daddy!

So I realized the other day that it might be time to send J. Bird to the bathroom with Z. more often. How did I know this, you might be asking yourself. We're in the bathroom the other night brushing his teeth and he pulls off a piece of toilet paper. I'm getting ready to admonish him because he knows he's only suppose to do that when Mommy is going but he walks over to his potty, squats, mimics wiping himself (like a girl, I might add) and throws it in his potty. It was a perfect imitation and hilarious, so I call Z. up and have J. Bird do it again.
Really it was too funny but I also realized that maybe he should get a better idea of what boys do. So the next morning Z. has to go and J. Bird walks into the bathroom and this what I hear, "No J. we don't play in that, it's pee, no J. I'm going to pee on you if you do that", you get the idea. I almost peed myself laughing so hard! Hand me the toilet paper J.!!

Daylight Savings Stinks!!

That's putting it nicely! I hate it and I don't use the word "hate" that often. It's really thrown off my whole day. J. Bird is waking up early, his naps are shorter, and apparently I have it in my head that when the sun goes down so does my son which isn't the case these days. Now I have to fill 2 hours of what used to be frolicking outside burning off energy, into 2 quality hours inside. Now if you don't have a 2 year old boy you might be saying "what the big deal?", if you do then you understand my pain. Plus, it seems like my energy level fades with the sun and that's when I need it to step it up a notch. Is it too early in the season to have S.A.D.?

Only a few more days until the race and I'm still feeling anxious not as bad as the other day when I considered faking an injury to get out of it. That's not my style but really the suspense is killing me, now I just want it over with so I can get back to obsessing over which moisturizer to buy next (did I mention I love beauty supplies, don't judge me!). I quit riding roller coasters for this very reason, I like them but the "waiting in line build-up of nerves" just wasn't worth it for the quick ride and short-term pleasure. All I have to say is this high better last awhile! (Oh, people are going to have a field day with that one)

Fall Days

So I just finished my last long run before the big race and I'm feeling good. I'm having some ankle issues but I think I'm as ready as I can be at this point. I'm glad to end on a high note, last Saturday's run was a rough one so I'm happy that I got my groove back and hopefully it carries into the race.

J. Bird and I also hit up Ashland Train Day which is right up his alley. We got to ride a mini train and saw several Amtrak trains come through the town. We had lunch with some friends and their sons so all and all we've had a great Saturday. I love Fall Days like this!!

This is us trying to leave the house with all our trains!!

What a week!!

So it took me awhile to recover from last week and actually write this post. Last week was a series of ups and downs we'll start with the downs.

My name is Courtney and I let my son fall down the stairs...waiting for some absolution. Nope, nothing. I think this is going to take more than just a confession to get rid of this guilt. Here's the story, so my friend comes over to check out J. Bird's new curtains and paint to get some ideas. While we're checking it out, J. Bird and Blondie were just running around. Now let me say at this point that we don't have a gate at the top of the stairs, if you hadn't already figure that out. We don't have a wall to screw one into and a pressure mounted gate scares me with the false sense of security. But the bottom line is that J. Bird knows how to go down the stairs and he knows to wait for Z. or I to go down. But this situation I hadn't anticipated, so he's playing I had just looked at him and he had run into the bathroom presumably to show off his bath toys to his friend. What he actually did was pull the toilet paper and start walking backwards, it's only a few feet but you can guess what happened, he stepped backwards off the stairs. The noise is what I heard and it was awful, it haunts me. He didn't get a bruise, no obvious broken bones, no lump on the head nothing just a crying child and a crying mother. Luckily my friend Em was there because I feel like I kept it a little more together as I asked her if I needed to call 911 or just take him straight to the ER. I did neither, I just held him until he stopped crying then called his Dr. I was told to just observe him to watch for signs of anything amiss but otherwise he sounded ok. I on the other hand was not ok. I felt (feel) awful and a full week later it's still bothering me. I know it was an accident but he's my baby and all I want to do is protect him. I'll ALWAYS feel that way so I guess it's a feeling I might have to get used too.

Now to the good part of the week, Halloween. We had already participated in a couple of Halloween activities this year mostly for the candy and J. Bird was just too cute so we kept dressing him up. He was a firefighter and he loved it. His costume actually doubles as he's rain jacket and we had tried other costumes but he loves to wear it and it's the only hat he'll keep on for more than 2 minutes so we went with it. Halloween night was a lot of fun, we ended up at my friend N.'s neighborhood for a parade and trick or treating. J. Bird had a great time and it was amazing that last year he wasn't walking or talking and this year I'm chasing him around trying to steal his chocolate. What a difference a year makes!